how to swallow 34 felony counts in one sitting

1.

a few days before the proceedings

expand your throat muscles by swallowing

things wider than your throat.

2.

brazenly warn the prosecutors that truth,

justice, and righteousness will be an albatross

wrapped around their scrawny necks.

3.

submit that secret video, the one where you're actually seen

squeezing Ivanka’s ass.

you’ll find it in your sock draw under the pile of socks, marked: “personal”.

this may indicate to the prosecution that it's within the natural order of things

for a loving father to squeeze the ass of his daughter.

4.

surreptitiously nab the pages of the indictments, stuff them into your mouth

then down your gullet as nonchalantly as you would 34 cheeseburgers.

5.

finally,–– and this is important:

wear an orange jumpsuit at the trial.

they can’t prosecute what they can’t see.